旅行终点

记者和作家的公路之旅中，他们之间亲密又矛盾的关系发展实在迷人。

他们之间是采访和受访者，即刺探者和讲述者，也是读者和作家，更是作家和作家。

于是双方对彼此的情感都十分复杂。

于记者而言，我渴望成为你，成为那个成功的受万人拥戴的畅销作家，但我又明了你成功的秘诀源自痛苦，那迷人的让人心碎的孤独和痛苦。

作家何不也羡慕记者，他帅气，口灿莲花又精于社交，不会被敏感的痛苦所击倒。

所以记者最后爆发了愤怒，任何自卑的人在被点破自己是普通人时，都会爆发出如此的愤怒。

所以作家深夜才会对他如此灵魂表白，我的创作，源自我无法被拯救的痛苦，那随时可能再度吞噬我的痛苦。

所以作家最后才要对记者说，你不要成为我。

他俩骨子里拥有同样的孤独和自卑，所以你会被我触动。

但请不要成为我。

记者深夜听完作家的自我剖析留下眼泪的细节太打动我了。

我俩之间，只有一线之隔，我们之所以如此小心翼翼地经营这份敏感的关系，就是因为太害怕会爆发出这样的情绪。

因为任何真正的灵魂自白，都是手术刀刺到心脏深处导流出的血液。

而能和你产生共鸣的人，在听到你的灵魂自白时，何不也在忍受和你同样的痛楚呢。

日记今早看了别人给我推荐的一部电影：《旅行终点》“最让你恐惧的是，你感到你能听懂他说的每句话，你们确凿无疑是同类，经历过同样的痛苦，有过同样的希望。

然而他却死了。

死于自杀。

你还要发现多少次这样失败的证明?你还剩多少次机会证明前无后路，后不见归途?”“如果我达成x、z、和y，一切都会好起来的”理念，我书里有一段是讲，当一个人从燃烧的摩天大厦跃下时，不是他们就不再惧怕坠落了，只是另一种选择更糟糕。

这就会令你思考，什么样的情况是如此糟糕，以至于跃入你的死亡都显得是种解脱。

我不知道你有没有过类似这种体验，但这比任何物理伤害都更糟糕，这大概就是以前所谓的心灵危机，感觉你生命中的每一句箴言都成了谬误，万事皆空，你亦是无物，一切皆是虚幻。

你比旁人出色太多，因你看穿这一切均不过是幻梦，你也比旁人糟糕太多，因你已经该死的无法正常过活，那种感觉非常吓人。

我觉得人是不会变的，我确信那仍旧深埋在我身体里，大概我只是非常努力地，在想办法不被它牵着走。

”“那时，我将自我完全迷失在了写作里，就像食物之于实验箱里的小白鼠一样，写作是宇宙间唯一我能汲取的动力，我非常困惑，「啊我的五年时间到了，我该往前看了」，可我不想往前看，我陷入了瓶颈，而且不是因为酗酒好吗，像是我的生活在28岁戛然而止，感觉很糟糕。

我想秉除这种感觉，于是尝试了各种办法，喝酒喝的很凶，跟陌生人上床，有时候我又滴酒不沾，整整两星期，每天晨跑十英里，带着绝望的，极具美式色彩的…「我会通过强硬手段解决这件事儿」的想法”“也没错啊你看看你现在 正在宣传广受赞誉的新书呢，也不赖啊”“戴维，这是很好，可这是虚无缥缈的。

”第一段是豆瓣电影的热评，后面两段是自杀的作家说的话。

我知道这就是我一直别人无法理解我的痛苦的点，电影帮我用准确的语言表达了出来。

可他自杀了，他也没有答案。

这个痛苦是深深扎根在内心最深处，你变换外表或者增加任何社会名头，都是无法改变的。

因为对比这些，现实中获得的任何成就都是虚无缥缈的，所以会选择写作，只是一个普通人，把无法言表的感受用准确的语言表达出来，让文字变成一种媒介，抒发自己，也告诉能理解的人，你不孤独。

但可能最后，也只有自杀，别无他法，要么就是麻木的活着，可人不会变的，我怎么可能麻木的活着呢。

真正能享受孤独是不是只有天才这样的类型的人？

高铭的《天才在左，疯子在右》这本书里面举了很多这样的真是案列。

让我印象深刻的就是书中的第一个故事《生命的尽头》，里面的女主角好几年没跟任何人说过一句话，每天除了吃饭睡觉上厕所就是蹲在石头或花草前仔细研究，甚至与它们轻声对话。

高铭为了接近了解她，用了半个月的时间，在她所在的精神病院里，和女主角每天做同样的事情，终于，他引起了她的好奇，反问他：“你在干吗？

”这才打开了她的心理状态。

她说：人类一直想到外星空寻找高级生命，但高级生命可能就在我们身边，只是我们陷在自己的角度中而看不到。

例如蚂蚁就可能是高级生命，假若你把一只蚂蚁看成细胞，而把蚂蚁群看成一个生命体的话。

再如石头可能也是高级生命，只是石头的生命节奏比人类慢太多，所以人类看不到它们的生老病死。

所以，她决定“想办法和石头沟通”，再“找找有没有看人类像看石头一样的生命。

”她能说出这番话，我们还能说她是个精神病人吗？

我们总是觉得用自认为正常人的思维对这样类型的人行使“异样眼光”的权利，已经是把他们当作异端，不愿意去接近和接受他们。

或许在他们的眼里：我们已经是平庸不堪，无可救药了。

所以只有真正不去把这些孤独的天才当作疯子的人，才会真正走进他们的精神世界，或许还会成为好朋友知己。

当David Lipsky只是单纯用自己《滚石》记者的身份去采访接近畅销书小说家David Foster Wallace的时候，他只是单纯想要挖掘 Wallace有没有毒瘾的独家报道，他也没有想到之后自己也成为了Wallace的粉丝，更像是一位故人知己。

《旅行终点》影片最后David在书店里念的那段话，每次看我还是会情不自禁，泪流满面：When i think of this trip, i see David and me in that front seat of his car.当我想起这段旅程，我回想起在他的车子里，David和我同坐在前排。

we are both so young.我们都如此年轻。

he wants something better than he has, i want precisely what he has already.他想要甚于他已然拥有的，而我想要恰是他依然拥有的现在。

neither of us knows where our lives are going to go.我们都不知道各自的生活会奔向何处。

it smells like chewing tobacco, soda and smoke.闻起来如咀嚼烟草，汽水和香烟的味道。

and the conversation is the best one i ever had.那些对话是我经历过最棒的对话。

david thought books existed to stop you from feeling lonely.David认为书的存在，就是让人忘却孤独。

if i could, i’d say to david that living those days with him reminded me what life is like instead of being a relief from it.如果可以，我想对David说：和他在一起的日子里，并非让我从生活中解脱，而是提醒我生活是什么样子的。

and i’d tell him it made me feel much less alone. 我也会告诉他，那让我感觉不那么孤独了。

《滚石》的David真正了解了作家David的孤独，正如作家David无奈感慨道：“如果有个人可以跟你共同生活，分担一切该有多好，无论是开心还是困惑，面对着她你都可以放得开。

”可见，看似傲娇古怪的天才作家，却是这般需要有个真正懂他的人，然后和他一起分享成功的喜悦，分担痛苦和困惑。

一次又目的采访却让自己懂得了自己需要生活的样子。

作家David后来自杀了，不知道是不是忍受不了太多人的不懂，不想要用自己的孤独给别人疗伤孤独。

他像记者David透露过自己曾经因为沉溺写作，因而酗酒、乱性，甚至想到死。

虽然之后自己成为了畅销书的作家，名声鹤起，但是这份成功不足以让他去原谅曾经有些堕落的自己。

这份矛盾更增加了他的孤独感。

他渴望别人理解，但却又不能被过多打扰，因为写作时的自己需要独处。

天才不是天生享受孤独，而是当他们沉迷于一件事情的时候，便会有非常强的“自我意识”，这种“自我意识”会让普通我们觉得自私，狂妄甚至不正常，他们不愿意把这样情绪带给我们，所以会选择远离人群，选择孤独。

人生若能遇到势均力敌无比坦诚的谈话对手，经历这样一次以心印心的对谈，大概可以无憾吧。

(一)Why aren't you married at 34? You first. Okay. Un…I don't know. I just think it's hard to cast that role, you know, to fill it when you know it is gonna be like 30 to 40 years. To find someone who , whatever mental landscape you're in, they're gonna be in it too. You have to find someone who fit any landscape you can imagine. I don't know. I can't put it in as well as you can. you know, about there mental landscapes. I just know that I am hard to be around. No,I don't think so. I am. Why do you say that? When I want to be alone, like, to write, I really want to be alone. I think if you dedicate yourself to anything, one facet of that is that it makes you very very self-conscious. And you end up using people…wanting them around when you want them around…and then sending them away.(二)You awake? Yeah. I was just thinking, um, it wasn’t a chemical imbalance, and it wasn’t drugs and alcohol, I think, um, it was much more that I had lived an incredibly American life. this idea that if I could just achieve X and Y and Z, that everything would be okay. There’s a thing in the book about how when somebody leaps from a burning skyscraper, it’s not that they’re not afraid of falling anymore. it’s that the alternative is so awful. and so then you’re invited to consider what could be so awful that leaping to your death would seem like an escape from it. I don’t know if you have any experience with this kind of thing, but it’s worse than any kind of physical injury. It may be in the old days what was known as a spiritual crisis, feeling as though every axiom in your life turned out to be false, and there was actually nothing, and you were nothing. And that it’s all a delusion and you’re so much better than everybody, cause you can see how this is just a delusion. And you’re so much worse because you can’t fucking function, it’s really horrible. I don’t think that we ever change. I'm sure that I still have those same parts of me,guess I’m trying really hard to find a way not to let them drive, you know. (三)When I think of this trip, I see David and me in that front seat of his car. We are both so young. He wants something better than he has, I want precisely what he has already. Neither of us knows where our lives are going to go. It smells like chewing tobacco, soda and smoke. and the conversation is the best one I ever had. David thought books existed to stop you from feeling lonely. If I could, I’d say to David that living those days with him reminded me what life is like instead of being a relief from it. And I'd tell him it made me feel much less alone.

“书读多了反动”这句话是至理名言，反动的对象有很多，最郁闷的是反动了自己，想得太多这件事情真的不是好事。

这是两个可以说是书呆子的对话，絮絮叨叨，看完了我也没记一句细节，但是却隐约有着一些共鸣，共鸣着那种想太多后的死胡同和纠结，对自己对别人对人生。

再次抗议话唠电影用双字幕，简直反人类，我要举报所有用双字幕的字幕组，你们尊重一下中文可以吗，这种中文断句有意思吗？

最近又翻到了这个电影的条目，忍不住又看了一遍，这已经是我第四遍看这部电影了。

对我这种不喜欢反复观看一部电影的人来说，已经是挺夸张的次数了。

因此想随便记录一下自己对这部电影十分执迷的原因，事先说明，这些原因大概率跟电影艺术本身没什么关系：1.DFW对我有极大的吸引力，对他最着迷的时候，我在纽约客上搜集了很多篇其他作家纪念他的文章，大部分都打印出来并看完了。

虽然现在已经忘记了大半，但我对DFW的熟悉感和亲密感是一直存在的。

他对我来说不是那种将会被纳入文学史并因此让我兴奋的“经典”作家，而单纯是那种和我的思维方式非常契合的作家，在心理感受上更像朋友（——是的，这有点诡异）。

观看这部电影的体验，就像是拿着一块吸铁石轻轻划过一片细碎的铁屑，我所理解的DFW的各个心理侧面和他所关注的问题，都被立体地呈现出来了。

2.视点的转变。

我对DFW的理解其实大多依赖于他的小说和非虚构作品，这部电影所提供的观察视点是最恰当也是最美妙的，完全赢过了乔纳森·弗兰岑纪念DFW的那篇文章。

当然，要意识到所有叙事都是一种representation，这部电影也不例外，可是导演和编剧所把握的诸多要素其实跟我对DFW的理解非常契合，所以我理直气壮地照单全收。

另外，电影里所拍摄的这段访谈文稿已经出版了，但是读起来平淡无奇。

3.第一次看这部电影其实是为了卷老师。

卷西思维敏捷咄咄逼人但被人怼回的时候又露出狗狗眼的样子，对不起，我真的好爱。

其实我看得出他演技里套路的成分，但那些又刻薄又焦虑又自我意识过剩的小动作我也很爱。

自从看到了卷老师以后，我才发现，我是真的很喜欢nerd型的人。

4.对话和孤独。

我喜欢对话，对话就像是小说中表示凸显的引号，既是表露也是防御。

人与人之间的对话包含着试图互相理解的努力，可是很多时候我们的自我防御意识又证明了这种理解的徒劳，就像电影里DFW多次反问Lipsky：我说的话你一个字都不信对吗？

事实是，我们总是以自己的方式误解对方，而自我解释往往是徒劳，就像Lipsky的反唇相讥：你证明自己不惺惺作态的方式就非常惺惺作态。

自以为聪明的人总是以为自己对他人持有更加深刻的洞见，他们喜欢玩这种游戏来凌驾于对方的自我意识之上。

我比较悲观：人最终将囿于自我意识，而相互理解只是一种短暂的妥协。

5.寒冷、音乐、飞机、书籍、写作和公路。

6.DFW会去人群中跳舞。

不知道为什么，这让我感到悲伤。

7.DFW曾经当过towel boy和保安。

有时我会想象那种生活。

8.电视机、电影、mall、美式快乐、空虚、自杀和死亡。

9.幸好这不是一部元电影，所以我能够沉浸其中。

10.这部电影成为了我的安抚物之一，我在自己和演员之间制造了一种亲密感，并对某一类意象上瘾。

我正是DFW所说的那种长时间坐在屏幕前获得心灵抚慰的人。

我喜欢他对reality的追求，我迫切地追求过同样的东西，却最终发现自己和虚幻融为一体。

11.我为了证明自己所执迷的东西有点意义还写了一篇影评。

About tech: "Becoz the tech is just gonna get better and better. And it's gonna get easier and easier, and more and more convenient, and more and more pleasurable, to be alone with images on a screen, given to us by ppl who do not love us but want our money. Which is fine. In low doses. But if that's basic main staple of your diet? You're gonna die. In a meaningful way, you're going to die."About no TV (TV addicition): "coz if I had a TV, I'd watch it all the time. I dont even know if I would watch it; it would be on all the time - my version of a fireplace. A source of warmth and light in the corner that I would occasionally get sucked into." (I never think of a fireplace but more as company for me).About getting married: - "There's smth nice about having sb who kinda shared your life, and that you could allow yourself just to be happy and be confused with."- "I think it's hard to cast that role to fill it when you know it's for thirty or forty years...someone who whatever mental landscape you're in, they're going to be in it too, you need someone who'll fit any landscape you can imagine."- "Becoz when I want to be by myself, like to work, I really want to be by myself. I think if you dedicate yourself to anything, one facet of that is that it makes you very very self-conscious. You end up using ppl. Wanting them around when you want them around, but then sending them away."Very American "I will fix this somehow by taking radical action" sort of thing"This is nice. This is not real."Beinig shy: David saw himself as a combination of being incredibly shy and being an exhibitionist."I think being shy basically means being self-absorbed to the extent that it makes it difficult to be around other ppl"What life was like in America right now: This enormous tsunami of stuff coming at you. And also - it's not unfun. "The ppl who seem most enthusiastic are young men. Which I guess I can understand - it's a fairly male book, a fairly nerdy book, about loneliness. You can expect that somebody who's willing to read and read hard a thousand-page book is gonna be somebody with some loneliness issues.""I think if there is sort of a sadness for ppl under 45 or smth, it has to do with pleasure and achievement and entertainment. And a kind of emptiness at heart of what they thought was going on, that maybe I can hope that parts of the book will speak to their nerve endings a little bit."I just think to look across the room and to automatically assume that somebody is less aware or that their interior life is somehow less rich and complicated and acutely perceived as mine, makes me not as good a writer. That means I would be performing for some faceless audience instead of trying to have a conversation with a person. ""I got a real serious fear of being a certain way"I treasure my regular-guy-ness; I've started to think it's my biggest asset as a writer, that I'm pretty much just like everybody else"There's a thing in the book: when ppl jump out of a burning skyscraper, its not that they're not afraid of falling anymore, it's that the alternative is so awful. And then you're invited to consider what could be so awful, that leaping to your death seems like an escape from it. I dont know if you've had any experience with this kind of thing. But its worse than any kind of physical injury. It may be what in the old days was known as a spiritual crisis. Feeling as though every axiom of your life turned out to be false, and there was actually nothing, and you were nothing, and it was all a delusion. And that you were better than everyone else becoz you saw it was a delusion, and yet you were worse becoz you cant fucking function. And its really horrible.Coz my own experience is that that's not so. The more ppl think that you're really good, actually the bigger the fear of being a fraud is. The worst thing about having a lot of attention paid to you, is that you're afraid of bad attention. If bad attention hurts you, then the calibre of the weapon that's pointed at you has gone way up. Like from a 0.22 to a 0.45. But there's a part of me that wants a lot of attention. And that thinks I'm really good, and wants other ppl to see it. It's one of the ways I think we're sort of alike, you know?By Lipsky - You didnt slip into the books looking for story, info, but for a particular experience. The sensation, for a certain number of pages, of being David Foster Wallace. "We are both so young. He wants smth better than he has; I want precisely what he has already. Neither of us knows where our lives are going to go. It smells like chewing tobacco, soda, and smoke. And the conversation is the best one I ever had. David thought books existed to stop you from feeling lonely. If I could, I'd say to David that living those days with him reminded me of what life is like - instead of being a relief from it...and I'd tell him it made me feel much less alone.

耶鲁师徒（Donald Margulies和James Ponsoldt）携手编导，两位大卫（David Foster Wallace和David Lipsky）贡献素材，犹太双J（Jason Segel和Jesse Eisenberg）联袂演绎。

我这硬拗配对的功夫还行吧？

大段对白当然是全片重点，所以我基本是当做升级版哲学播客看的（比如在追的Sam Harris的《Making sense》）。

两位作家在五天四夜的时间里，谈情感谈孤单谈平凡，虽然所有相聚都可能面对离散……哦不好意思串词了。

我不知道本片的台词有多少来自Lipsky的原著，又有多少来自Wallace本人；可能作家平时都这么出口成章吧，反正我是紧盯字幕才勉强跟上他们思路的。

我觉得传达出最核心的信息就是：名利很美，让人上瘾，也让人迷失，更不能填补空虚寂寞。

这么一听好像又是名人传记片的常规套路：他出名他挣扎，你普通你幸运。

但Wallace本人确实多年受抑郁症困扰，如电影表现的那样，对交际感到不舒服，担心自己名不副实，容易受负面评价影响。

当药物和酒精无法消除积蓄的孤独和自卑，他选择了自缢结束自己的生命（影片也是由此倒序）。

片中两人互相欣赏互相羡慕甚至互相猜忌，Wallace给Lipsky的临别赠言是，不要成为我。

正所谓你可能羡慕别人的才华和财富，别人可能向往你的自由和家庭。

光鲜也好心酸也罢，有些事有些感觉永远只有自己知道。

总的来说，剧本中规中矩，台词妙语连珠，看完让人若有所思，但也不至于醍醐灌顶，跟炸裂的口碑稍嫌名不副实。

很高兴看到HIMYM里的马修重回明尼苏达，扮演者Segel证明了他不止能演喜剧。

Eisenberg好像演什么都是那个欲言又止深不可测的味道；他平时给《纽约客》写专栏的经历让他驾驭一个《滚石》记者绰绰有余。

我没法不爱这种由meaningful conversations构成的电影。

最喜欢的当属heroine那一段和Skyscraper那一段。

唯一的败笔便是那幼稚的隔阂与突如其来的jealousy, refraining me from loving every second of this movie。

太可恨了。

(当然如果确有其事，那可笑的就是我了）David Foster Wallace说话的样子太迷人了；从听过他commencement speech那一刻起我就爱上他了。

固然观赏电影时共情不是必要的。

即便如此我还是要说：我能理解他；或者，在这两个小时中，我试图理解他，今后许多可以想象得到的时刻里，我都会想起他。

想起他无从掩饰的天才、他的观察、他的语言；他的compelling stupidity and confusion as a writer; 他的坦诚和良善，他的social strategy；他过去的、现在的痛苦；他生命尽头的自我湮灭。

“我看到David和我坐在前车座上，我们都是如此年轻。

他想要比现在更好的东西，但我恰恰想拥有他现在的东西。

我们都对生活感到迷茫，这种感觉就像闻到了烟草，汽水和香烟。

和他的交谈是我这辈子有过最好的一次。

David觉得书籍的存在是让他们从孤独中醒来。

如果我可以，我想对David说，和他在一起的那段时光提醒了我真正生活是什么，而不是从生活中得到解脱。

所以我得告诉他，意识到这一点让我感觉没那么孤单了。

” ——David Lipsky